Tour Guide Antics
Ok, totally a story I forgot to tell yesterday: When we visited St. Basil’s Catheedral, they have blocked off lots of the walking path around it, including the shortest path to GUM. Before lunch, she just leads me around the barricades, between metal barriers and the brick wall, obviously circumventing the intent of the barriers. Then, after lunch, we are trying to get back. We have passed between this barricade and the wall, 3 times. But now, there are 2 policemen there, guarding the passage. We walk over, and I assume we’re just going to go take the long way now. But oh no. This lady is about to go argue with the Politsia. NOPE. I’m out. I back away slowly, smiling my dumbest “I have no idea who that lady is” smile and want no part of this. She has led me through jaywalking, passing around obvious barricades, but arguing with the police to be allowed to go by a spot they have obviously marked as impassable, I’m out.
Kremlin Armoury tour
We started the day on foot. We walked 10 minutes to the Pavaletskaya metro station and went to the Kremlin. We visited the museum which houses fantastic Russian antiquities, particularly belongings of the Tsars. Tons of amazing table ware and silver decorative serving dishes, a whole room of amazingly well preserved dresses and coats, boots, full suits, and a room full of carriages, formerly horse-drawn. The pieces are beautiful and it’s definitely fun to imagine the world where these people lived. Of course, my favorite room is the costume room, full of ornate embroidered gowns, corination outfits, crowns, delicate shoes, corsets. The guide explains the different Tsarinas and their waist sizes, which she has memorized. Writing about a museum trip isn’t really interesting for anyone, especially with no photos, so I’ll tell you the one thing that brought me so much joy in this exhibit. The Romanov family ruled Russia for 300 years. From Tsar Mikhail until Nicolas II. There was a man who foretold that the Romanovs would rule for 300 years, and the Romanovs were murdered after ~307 years. So that guy’s paintings are everywhere as well. Anyway, that is nothing to be joyful about. But… get this. At the end of the costume/fancy dress exhibit, there are some clothes that don’t make sense. You follow the coronation clothes through generations, from tiny waists and bell-shaped skirts to the French-inspired super wide hips to the SUPER wide hip bustles. Then back to long trains and more round figures. And then…. something out of place, weirdly styled clothes. It turns out, the Romanov family, not knowing that in less than a decade their reign would end, celebrated their 300 year reign with a costume ball. And the costume ball was themed to be costumes from 300 years ago. So in the early 1900s, they were dressing in costumes from the 1600s. Imagine it! Teenage Romanov daughters all in fancy 17th century costumes. Imagine that people in history also dressed in historical costumes! I hadn’t even thought of that. But obviously it makes sense. I feel so validated in my life choices. Also, HOW freaking cool. Ok, that is all. I know…glorifying imperialism: bad.
Subway tour
Next we stopped for lunch at a wholly unremarkable restaurant, foodwise, so I will refrain from remarking other than to point out there were large murals of a very obese naked man on the walls. The cafe was not called ‘fat naked man cafe’, so I don’t even know.
Next, we embarked on our subway tour. This was fun, but mostly educational. The subway here is HUGE. It’s amazing. It’s a great subway, with a single fee to enter, then go wherever you want. No zones (ahem, BART and Caltrain). It’s easy, intuitive. The map is amazing. I’ve never been one of those people who buys metro maps of places they visit, but I’m in for this one, if I see one. The map is essentially parallel lines, NE to SW and NW to SE, with 2 concentric circles. The story is, Stalin (I think Stalin..>>?) saw the metro map proposal and said that there can’t just be lines. There need to also be circles. And he put his coffee cup down on the proposal map, leaving a brown ring on the paper. Now, both circular lines are brown in color. The stations themselves are works of art. Lots of beautiful mosaics and sculpted ceilings. But. It is crowded. Even in the late night (I find out later), it is packed with people. I was very uncomfortable taking photos, for fear of pickpockets and just generally being in the way. It’s bustling down there. And I can’t imagine what it’s like in the summer when there are 200 tour guides with little stupid flag things and 2000 tourists standing in the way while everyone is just trying to get to work.
Shopping
We arrived back at Pavaletsky station, and I parted ways with my guide, not bothering to let her walk me back to the hotel. Free at last, I jump back on the metro and go straight to Red Square. In my head, the plan is that I will go back to GUM, where it’s warm and everyone is happy, and I will maybe find some boots that don’t look like Mongolian horse riding boots, and a new bag because my poor red bag is falling apart again. I spent a couple of hours walking the festive halls of GUM. It’s beautiful. I cannot afford Manolo Blahnik boots. Or Salvatore Ferrigamo. Or any of a hundred fancy European designers that are so fancy I’ve never even heard of them. I don’t want to walk into a store where shoes might be $200 or they might be $2000. So I enjoy a couple of hours, fully exploring GUM. THen I leave for the metro. I have circus tickets tonight, so I decide to head out to where the circus is to make sure I can find it.
Getting around town
I walk 15 minutes to the Metro station….but it starts snowing. And then, a weird thing happens. There is also, as it so happens, wind. The wind is blowing the snow right into my face. If I turn my back to the wind, it’s fine. But walking into the snow…those big, fluffy snowflakes…. they are made of water. There is water pouring down my face as they melt. There is water in my nose and down my throat as I try to breathe and inhale snow. HOW is snow unpleasant when it’s so pretty?! Along my walk, I see more things that amuse me. There are not only transliterations of English words. There are also Spanish and French. A lingerie store called “Pондэвy” – Rendezvous – and a Mexican restaurant called “Каса Aгавэ” (casa agave). My brain, it hurts. It takes me so long to sound out the Cyrillic alphabet, only to be reading French!
End of Tour
I get to my subway stop near the Circus, and the circus is a huge tent, well lit, very obvious. So I look for a place to have dinner before the show. There is “University Mall” nearby, so I go there. I have already scoped out this place, and I head to the 4th floor, direct to the Kroshka Kartoshka. It’s a place that makes baked potatoes that you can then stuff with whatever toppings you prefer. I had a cheese and onion potato topped with tomatoes and olives and cucumbers. It was awesome.
The Circus
Then I walk over to the circus. Now. I love shows, but we don’t really have circuses. So it never would have occurred to me. But. Wow. My brain is melted. I can’t even begin to describe it and do it justice. Obviously there are no photos allowed inside (And they are super serious about that), so you’ll have to just deal with my 1,000 words. I had no idea what to expect. But the circus is a PRODUCTION. the round tent is fully turned into the backgrounds for the stories in the performance, with combinations of projected images and light shows to show everything from villages to snowy forests. The show begins with dancers in French Victorian costumes, performing a ballroom dance to welcome the show’s Tsar and Tsarina. White curly wigs and hoop skirts and an unholy amount of body glitter.
Next are the comedic foils. A gold coin-obsessed monk-looking guy with a super tall Russian furry hat, essentially cartoon Rasputin, and a shorter guy in Victorian costume, kind of an Iago (from Alladin, not Othello)/Smee (from Hook) mix. They do a silly bit before the Tsar and Tsarina arrive. The Tsar is wearing an obvious nobleman costume. Tsarina is wearing what I can only describe as gravity-defying and cleavage-baring. I don’t know how this dress stayed on. Also, this lady is fantastic at contouring with body glitter. They begin by performing with some parrots, then pelicans. It’s interesting but not earth shattering.
Then they welcome their first child. They put the baby in a cradle and the princess is perfect and adorable. Then… Chris Angle and a goth Real Housewife of NY show up and curse the baby. When everyone wakes up, the baby is a full grown adult in body but still a baby in mind. Now, instead of a perfect baby, they have a giant baby that cries all the time. Here is the premise of the show. Now it is up to the comedic foils to entertain the baby. When physical comedy fails, they bring an entire troupe of candy raver dancers. It’s amazing. My brain is melting. The colors. The dancers. There are clowns and beach balls and acrobats and contortionists. Too many things to watch all at once. And everything is neon an bright. I don’t even know.
When one of the beach balls hits the princess, she cries and they all leave. Then the comedy guys bring in some ‘Arabian’ dancers. There are ~8 girls dressed as peacocks, with the exception of one…very different skin tone girl… who is the belly dancer. She is A-MA-Zing. But also… this bit is a little culturally insensitive. Also, holy cow, these girls are essentially dressed as Vegas show girs. Minimum clothing. THe audience is mostly kids. The performance isn’t sexual at all… they’re jusd dancing, not really capable of the moves the belly dance girl is doing. But my own puritanical American views of bodies and showing skin certainly observe this. (Also the guys are mostly fully clothed the entire time.) A group of guys come in, wearing puffy pants and no shirts and one is carrying a giant python that is uncooperative. The princess sends them all away. I understand enough Russian to watch as she counts them 1 by 1, and then says “Mnye ne nravitsya!” Again, I understand as much as children.
Next they bring out Irish dancers, like punk rock Irish dancers in sheer shirts with fake tattoos and purple kilts with leather straps and belts. They do a crazy interpretation of Irish punk riverdance. Then the 2 guys dress as Jewish men, with hats with curls on the temples. The princess sends them away summarily before they call out a whole troup of Jewish dancers. This is also very culturally insensitive.
Next are foxes performing and women dressed as Snegurochka dancing. And Dyed Moroz and Snegurochka make an announcement. And then there is a thing with camels. And then a guy jump ropes on a horse. Like… not he is standing on the horse and jumpropes. no. He is riding the horse and holding the rope and the HORSE jumps rope with him in the saddle.
Too many things to list them all, but each one is impeccably executed. They are each interesting, fascinating. And the costumes have spared no expense. The amount of crystals embroidered into these costumes. They are not cheap replicas. They are all-out. It’s so weird and beautiful and confusing. I, of course, enjoyed it. I wish there were pictures. I wish you could experience the sheer wonder and awe of not knowing what on earth is happening.
After the circus, I rushed to the metro and went back to my hotel. I have 1.5 hours to make a 50-minute trip, according to google. Thankfully google is correct and I get back to the hotel in time to grab a bite to eat, some fried cheese balls and a beer, before my driver arrives to take me to the train station. In the most tiring day so far, I am scheduled to get on the train at midnight and arrive in St. Petersburt tomorrow at 8 a.m., then continue immediately with a tour of St Petersburg. Yes, no shower, barely 6 hours of sleep, after full days, like 20 days so far, of going full-out. This is a generally bad idea, but such is life. We have some trouble with the parking lot being closed at the train station, but I make it onto the train in time. This is the SapSan train, not a part of the trans-siberian route anymore. It’s fancy, more modern and luxurious than the previous trains. I have a roommate for the trip, a business guy in a suit. He hangs up his suit jacket and immediately starts typing on his laptop. I think, ugh, this guy is going to keep me up all night. But as soon as the train starts moving, he gets up, takes off all of his clothes except his boxers, and crawls in bed. (WAT?!) All the other dudes have slept in t-shirt and flannel PJ pants. I guess this guy couldn’t be bothered? I’m so tired I just take off my dress and sleep in my thermals, not bothering to go change into my pj’s, but still covered head to toe. I turn off the lights and sleep until breakfast at 7:30.
